in pieces. . .

i ran across this photo today when i was looking for something else.

i really like it.  it speaks to me in so many ways.  it symbolizes alot of how i've been feeling lately - like things are coming apart a little at a time.  that makes me sound so miserable, doesn't it?  i assure you it's not as bad as it seems.

i seem to be on a "yucky" kick lately.  those of you who know me know i tend run in fast lane.  always something to do, and doing 20 things at once.  well, life has a funny way of changing without much notice.

i've been feeling like the dandelion in the picture.  pieces floating away.  i had been very active in my church, and for reasons i won't get into - i'm not anymore.   i had found a place on the conference team (united methodist women), and for 6 years i worked with an amazing bunch of women and had many wonderful opportunities for mission and service.  the conference was dissolved and so was "my job" - but i now am part of a new team, a district team, starting all over with new people - a challenge.  i worked at a job for 15 years - loved it, and was told "how wonderful and great" things were, and then i got laid off.  i had been taking care of mom for 15 + years - driving her to doctors appointments, being part of her care team.  i talked with mom daily on the phone, sometimes 2 or 3 times.  we went shopping and we were each others sounding boards. 

when mom became very ill last spring, all of the things that had been slipping away from me didn't matter.  i wouldn't have had "time" for them.  i threw myself into caring for her - i spent all of my time at the hospital for 2 months (an hour drive one way), and then when we brought her home we rotated being there for her.  i wouldn't change any of it.  i hated to "leave" her and go out of town - for very good things.

and now that mom is gone, it's more pieces that slipped away.

what do i have left? 

mom died in october.  november and december were busy with holidays, but january has found me in a funk.   i'm used to running and taking care of everyone.  life has slowed down to a virtual stop.

i need to figure out a new purpose.  i've been looking into job ideas.  i'd also like to go back to school.  i'd like to open up an online shop.    it's time to pick myself up and get back on the fast track -- ok, maybe not as fast as i was, but back on track.

the part of the picture that i like the most, is the part that we don't see in the photo.  the "pieces" that fall off sprout a new flower.  so, all the pieces that i'm missing will help me to build something new -- new growth and new reasons.