the parable of the waterbug and the dragonfly --

when my mom died, my sister was trying to figure out how to explain it all to my nephew; he was 4 at the time.  she found a story book about water bugs and dragonflies -- since she has a love for dragonflies she bought it.  the book is very well written and i love how it explains to concept of death, heaven, and why we can't return.  the story has stuck with me.  a very good friend lost her mom over this past weekend.  i thought of the dragonfly story as i sat at the funeral today.  i found the story online, and shared it with her, and i'll share it with you.  i'm not sure of the author. . .

-The Story of the Dragonfly-

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if  I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went."  And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

hard days --

april has stirred up alot of things for me.  all having to do with mom.  it was last year in april that the crazy roller coaster began.  last year easter fell on april 4th.  the weekend before mom and i went on the spiritual life retreat - the last one of the wyoming conference umw, and our last "event".  i was the leader of the retreat - "finding our joy".  mom really went back and forth about whether to go or not.  she was on oxygen for 12 hours a day, and the oxygen condenser was big, cumbersome, and loud.  she had so many meds to take at different times -- she had one excuse after the other as to why she should stay home.  she didn't want me to have to keep track of her and "her stuff" and run  and present a retreat too.  as you can imagine, i wouldn't take that excuse - packed her and her stuff up in the car and off we went.  besides -- there were plenty of people there that i knew would help if asked, and a friend was coming with us.

i'm so glad she went -- she was too.  it was later in that week after getting home that she developed what we thought was pneumonia. we were all getting together on saturday - the day before easter for dinner because paul had to work easter day.  she really wasn't feeling great and didn't know if she should come down.  my sister and i convinced her to come.  sigh.  poor thing, she was so sick and miserable - couldn't breath very well, but she came and we had dinner.  that night, around 1 or 2 AM dad called me and said that she had had enough and wanted to go to the ER.  paul and i took her -- dad hates hospitals.  and so the roller coaster began.

she was admitted to the hospital on easter sunday, and by that evening she was put on a ventilator because they found her unresponsive.  she was on that vent for 11 days.  her stay in the hospital lasted 2 months - in and out of ICU unresponsive 3 times - on the vent twice and "bagged" once.  the 6 months that followed took us back and forth to the hospital, good days, bad days.  and finally hospice care.

today marks 6 months since her death.  is it any wonder that april has been an emotional month.

just the other day i was going through my email inbox and came across the almost daily emails i wrote to family updating them on her condition throughout those 6 months.  i found myself reading through them - reliving the emotions.  i did not erase them - i tucked them all neatly in a folder.

yesterday in church we sang one of mom's favorite hymns, and one we sang at her funeral.  it was a tough thing to get through, but at the same time i felt close to her too.

i've stopped myself countless times from picking up the phone to ask her a question.  i've thought countless times about buying something i've seen in a store.  daily glitches --

grieving is such a strange process.  everyone does it differently, and who is to say that someone does it correctly.  we all do it the best we can.  this has been the hardest thing i've had to deal with.  some days are better then others.  some days i feel so lost, others my emotions are more in check.  don't get me wrong - i'm not sitting around miserable by any means - but i probably am stuffing and not dealing with some of it too.  but -- it's a process.  and it's still "new".

there will be more tough days -- mother's day is coming, her birthday, etc. but i'll get through them - however i do, and it's ok.  time will dry some tears, but not erase.

the picture above was taken in september of 2009.  i love it -- she was feeling good at this point.  happy and playing with our brand new puppy - charlie.  none of us knowing what a year would mean.

i love you mom!  i miss you like crazy -- but i feel your hand on my shoulder.

pieces left behind. . .

i was out running some errands today, and my last stop was walmart.  i was looking for the perfect bunch of bananas when a woman approched me.

"hi, how are you?  we were just talking about you and your mom the other day."

i must have had a strange look on my face because the woman went on to tell me she was one of my mom's nurses - and then i recognized her - took a minute, she wasn't in scrubs.

"we were just talking about how we hadn't seen shirley in some time, and we were hoping things were going well."  my mom had been in and out of the hospital from floor to floor - room to room - and unit to unit.  she was everyone's favorite.  she only rang if she truley needed something, she always had a knd word for them and would laugh and joke with them.  they liked to come into mom's room to "hang out" for a few minutes.

i remember - which time i'm not sure - i remember one time we checked her back in through the er.  as they wheeled her upstaris to her room - me following behind, the nurses waved and called her by name as we went past thier stations.  a clear indication that we had been there too much --or was it.

the woman was embarrassed when i told her of my mother's death in october -- she apologized over and over.  i told her not to be silly -- how was she to know.  i thanked her for everything she did for my mom - i remember she was my mom's nurse when she was signed out of the hospital on her birthday.  my mom's doctor - whom she was close with, sent her a small birthday cake.  we sat around eating cake with the nurses as we gathered her things to go home.  the nurse -- i remembered her name is nicole - - said she had never seen that happen before - a doctor sending a cake to a patient.  my mom and her docotor had that kind of relationship.  my mom had that kind of relationship with alot of people.

on the way home in the car i thought about the interaction.  it made me smile.  i realized that there were still pieces of mom left behind.  like the balloons in the picture - little things she left floating behind.  she touched many lives with her kindness - hope that is something i can do, something i've learned from her.

love you mom!   xoxo

in pieces. . .

i ran across this photo today when i was looking for something else.

i really like it.  it speaks to me in so many ways.  it symbolizes alot of how i've been feeling lately - like things are coming apart a little at a time.  that makes me sound so miserable, doesn't it?  i assure you it's not as bad as it seems.

i seem to be on a "yucky" kick lately.  those of you who know me know i tend run in fast lane.  always something to do, and doing 20 things at once.  well, life has a funny way of changing without much notice.

i've been feeling like the dandelion in the picture.  pieces floating away.  i had been very active in my church, and for reasons i won't get into - i'm not anymore.   i had found a place on the conference team (united methodist women), and for 6 years i worked with an amazing bunch of women and had many wonderful opportunities for mission and service.  the conference was dissolved and so was "my job" - but i now am part of a new team, a district team, starting all over with new people - a challenge.  i worked at a job for 15 years - loved it, and was told "how wonderful and great" things were, and then i got laid off.  i had been taking care of mom for 15 + years - driving her to doctors appointments, being part of her care team.  i talked with mom daily on the phone, sometimes 2 or 3 times.  we went shopping and we were each others sounding boards. 

when mom became very ill last spring, all of the things that had been slipping away from me didn't matter.  i wouldn't have had "time" for them.  i threw myself into caring for her - i spent all of my time at the hospital for 2 months (an hour drive one way), and then when we brought her home we rotated being there for her.  i wouldn't change any of it.  i hated to "leave" her and go out of town - for very good things.

and now that mom is gone, it's more pieces that slipped away.

what do i have left? 

mom died in october.  november and december were busy with holidays, but january has found me in a funk.   i'm used to running and taking care of everyone.  life has slowed down to a virtual stop.

i need to figure out a new purpose.  i've been looking into job ideas.  i'd also like to go back to school.  i'd like to open up an online shop.    it's time to pick myself up and get back on the fast track -- ok, maybe not as fast as i was, but back on track.

the part of the picture that i like the most, is the part that we don't see in the photo.  the "pieces" that fall off sprout a new flower.  so, all the pieces that i'm missing will help me to build something new -- new growth and new reasons.