hard days --

april has stirred up alot of things for me.  all having to do with mom.  it was last year in april that the crazy roller coaster began.  last year easter fell on april 4th.  the weekend before mom and i went on the spiritual life retreat - the last one of the wyoming conference umw, and our last "event".  i was the leader of the retreat - "finding our joy".  mom really went back and forth about whether to go or not.  she was on oxygen for 12 hours a day, and the oxygen condenser was big, cumbersome, and loud.  she had so many meds to take at different times -- she had one excuse after the other as to why she should stay home.  she didn't want me to have to keep track of her and "her stuff" and run  and present a retreat too.  as you can imagine, i wouldn't take that excuse - packed her and her stuff up in the car and off we went.  besides -- there were plenty of people there that i knew would help if asked, and a friend was coming with us.

i'm so glad she went -- she was too.  it was later in that week after getting home that she developed what we thought was pneumonia. we were all getting together on saturday - the day before easter for dinner because paul had to work easter day.  she really wasn't feeling great and didn't know if she should come down.  my sister and i convinced her to come.  sigh.  poor thing, she was so sick and miserable - couldn't breath very well, but she came and we had dinner.  that night, around 1 or 2 AM dad called me and said that she had had enough and wanted to go to the ER.  paul and i took her -- dad hates hospitals.  and so the roller coaster began.

she was admitted to the hospital on easter sunday, and by that evening she was put on a ventilator because they found her unresponsive.  she was on that vent for 11 days.  her stay in the hospital lasted 2 months - in and out of ICU unresponsive 3 times - on the vent twice and "bagged" once.  the 6 months that followed took us back and forth to the hospital, good days, bad days.  and finally hospice care.

today marks 6 months since her death.  is it any wonder that april has been an emotional month.

just the other day i was going through my email inbox and came across the almost daily emails i wrote to family updating them on her condition throughout those 6 months.  i found myself reading through them - reliving the emotions.  i did not erase them - i tucked them all neatly in a folder.

yesterday in church we sang one of mom's favorite hymns, and one we sang at her funeral.  it was a tough thing to get through, but at the same time i felt close to her too.

i've stopped myself countless times from picking up the phone to ask her a question.  i've thought countless times about buying something i've seen in a store.  daily glitches --

grieving is such a strange process.  everyone does it differently, and who is to say that someone does it correctly.  we all do it the best we can.  this has been the hardest thing i've had to deal with.  some days are better then others.  some days i feel so lost, others my emotions are more in check.  don't get me wrong - i'm not sitting around miserable by any means - but i probably am stuffing and not dealing with some of it too.  but -- it's a process.  and it's still "new".

there will be more tough days -- mother's day is coming, her birthday, etc. but i'll get through them - however i do, and it's ok.  time will dry some tears, but not erase.

the picture above was taken in september of 2009.  i love it -- she was feeling good at this point.  happy and playing with our brand new puppy - charlie.  none of us knowing what a year would mean.

i love you mom!  i miss you like crazy -- but i feel your hand on my shoulder.